Thursday, September 30, 2010

More Public Place Stupidity AND "Stuff Off The Top"

So, I decided to stop by the library again, and then I started thinking about my blog and about how I was "overdue" for a rant. Anyway, I decided to sit down and start typing away. There are no smelly people here today, and although there is one typer next to me who is slightly a distinctly loud typer, I can tolerate her because she's not so bad and she smells of peppermint gum and deodorant, PLUS, she hasn't said a word. In FACT, it looks like she's sitting with her boyfriend or brother or someone and typing BACK and FORTH to him this minute. How do I know this? Well...she keeps looking at him after every sentence and he occasionally verbally replies, "No," out of nowhere. So, I'm onto their little scheme. Speaking of which, --WHAT the hell is wrong with people these days? Nobody talks, they just text?! I occassionally do this, so for me to deny it would be calling the kettle black. But seriously,---in a public place where you're sitting no more than a foot away from each other?! Why can't they just whisper? Okay, okay, NOW they are whispering; I've clearly spoken TOO soon.

So, earlier today--I was at the new Leopard Forest Coffee Shop, which is nice, actually. They actually have sofas without sheets over them now, and it looks really nice on the inside. Anywho, there was this guy, about 50-65 years of age who talked for two hours straight, using the same topic for the duration of his consumerism. He kept talking about radio-hosting and church to this random woman who came in with her laptop and sat down. You should have SEEN the look on this woman's face afterward though, because it was very apparent that she was DONE with listening to him. The expression on her face, let alone her body language was very convincing. She stood up and it was clear she was thinking: "I'm going to wrap my laptop cord up now and pretend to continue to listen to you and nod. "Bless his heart. Just nosying in on someone else's conversation, I even thought he was too boring to listen to.

Then, Curtis and I went to S & S Cafeteria to eat with the old people at 5:30pm. The food is fantastic there and I could eat another plate this very moment. The only problem is at the front of the line: their tossed salad isn't very abundant. So, I always request for "the stuff off the top." Linda, the Salad-Woman-In-Charge looked at me like like I had lost my damn mind and subsequently denied me of this privilege that I've had for so long with other Salad-Women-In-Charge. After that I trucked my tray on down the line and made a stop in front of the Roast, (my usual entree' of choice.) Larry, the usual "Roast-Man-In-Charge"who should have been a cast member of Sanford and Son, greeted me with his usual glowing smile, which mostly came from his two gold teeth. I must admit, this guy makes me happy every time I come in there because he's a real character and nothing ever gets him down, including when I asked him to give me some really good slices this time because I had a bad experience the last time I ate the roast beef and there were pieces of fat in my cuts. With a huge smile and his Sanford-esque voice, he replied, "Well Larry servin' ya NOw, and LARRY ain't gon' give yuh no fat... NO SIR. Larry gon slice yuh up some good ones!" Just a sidenote before we proceed with story: Larry is ALWAYS the ROAST-MAN-IN-CHARGE. I just nodded, thanked Larry and moved on to the maccaroni, which of course, I was served the shittiest part of the bake (the part without the crust.) Slightly angered by people's inability to understand what part of the maccaroni is most desired, I politely asked for the server to cap it off with " the stuff on top." Luckily, I was listened to this time and didn't get any lip. As Curtis and I proceeded to make our way into the dining hall where most of the tables were filled with gray hair or bald heads, we found a decent, but not our "usual" place to sit. I sat the tray down and ran over to the sauce station before the server came over. Sidenote: the reason why I run over to the sauce table and pick up the A1 and the Heinz 57 is because I really don't feel like leaving them a damn tip for just handing me those two things, because that's all we ever need. Of COURSE CURTIS has to gulp 5-6 glasses of water down and therefore the "whatever they call those women that keep walking around in the dining room that take up trays and that's about it" comes over there and has to FILL it back up, which therefore, requires a tip. Next time, I'm just going to bring one of those 64 gallon big sipper cups, pre-fill it for him, and have it ready to go when he gets to the table. Anyway, once sit down at the table, he EYES my good-looking maccaroni. As he threatens to send his serving back on account of it "tasting funny," (which it didn't) I made a negotiation with him by offering some of mine.... Thankfully, it worked and all was well. The End.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010


This birthday weekend was fantastic and I will post about it later, but while I'm in the library, I need to get one freaking thing off my chest: LOUD, ANNOYING, OBNOXIOUS SPACEBAR HITTERS, along with a SLEW of other public place offenses that I shall name in this posting. What do I even mean by this, you ask? Well, there are several things that annoy me most in a public computer area (because that's where I am, --at the library,) 1.) LOUD SPACEBAR HITTERS or LOUD TYPERS in general, 2.) HEAVY BREATHERS, 3.) CELL PHONE USERS, 4.) SNOT SUCKERS, and 5.) STINKY PEOPLE. Okay, I can't stand typing in a public environment in the first place because something ALWAYS annoys the shit out of me, whether it's a conversation, an irritating voice, annoying people watchers, food smackers/crunchers, and/or stupid music. HOWEVER, what seems to pop up the most are all of the five I listed. ----FOR EXAMPLE, there is this guy, only feet away from me right now, who is hitting his spacebar so freaking loudly and inconsistently that I feel like getting up, throwing my chair at the Reference Section Community Files cabinet right next to me, and going over there to strangle him somehow with his bluetooth capable earpiece. I don't know HOW I would strangle him with such a device, but I would find a way in the possible fit of rage that his terrible typing is about to send me. Another person, who is currently behind me, is a very stupid typer, who sounds like his fingers could eject at any moment and project themselves into someone's eyeballs or one of the heavy breather's mouths nearby. I seriously cannot stand the people around me right now, except the darling lady next to me who, has somehow not been audible since I got here---so really, what the HELL is she doing at the computer? I'm not very sure, but her computer using ethics are saavy ones and I wish I had a small trophy in my pocket to give to her, but I don't keep awards in my pocket. --However, I could give her this small library pencil to my left. --Anyway, to continue my point, -there's someone else nearby who is breathing HEAVILY down my neck. I can feel their hot breath somehow circumventing their massive head and finding its way down the collar of my hoody. Eeeiiickh. Also, in front of me, there is another user who is incessantly talking on his phone and asking the person on the end of the line to get someone's email address and call him back. This person has called him at least 5 times since I've been sitting here. HOLY GOD. You would think that after 5 times, the person could have retrieved such information, plus, I'm really getting tired of hearing this guy announcing his stupid business all the way over to the children's section. SPEAKING OF STINKY PEOPLE, -you know the lady that I mentioned earlier who was completely quiet? Yeah, she justtttttt got up and left a trail of STENCH behind her and there's a guy two rows in front of me that keeps sucking his snot far into his brain every few seconds. Geeeeez, does anyone have some tissues for this Dyson vacuum cleaner? I've seriously got to get out of here before I lose my mind or the guy behind me, who continues to type louder and faster than hell, -impels his NASCAR RACING fingers into the back of my brain! AGAGHAGHAGHAGAHGAGHHHHH!!!

Monday, September 13, 2010

Bad Day.

Redated Sunday, September 12th, 2010....
So, I cleaned out my car the other day. I really did, I swear this time. On any normal day, the inside could easily qualify for hurricane/tornado insurance. I'm awful to a car. But my car is a jerk... My jeep has stupid canvas seats that, when wet, stain terrifically. You could take the purest water in the world, or holy water, and pour it over the seat, let it dry, and find a STAIN with stupid cruddy stuff rimming the edges of it. My car's seats are satan. ---So, this morning, I woke up, blind as a f*cking bat, and put my contacts in to go look at my newly cleaned seats. I spent 3 hours on the seats alone and it took a day and a half to dry. So, I went outside and started removing stuff that I left inside from taking stuff from the Greer House to Goodwill, as well as some of the stuff that my DAD PROMISED he would take home for himself (he helped me clean the house too, which by the way, I affectionately call the "Greer House") ONLY TO FIND THAT I HAD LEFT THE FLIPPING, FLUBBING SUNROOF OPEN the night before and it had RAINED. Guess what was waiting for me when I got there? CRUDDDDDY SEATS. I wanted to cry. I didn't though. Anywho, I decided that I was going to work out in my home gym after trying numerous outfits on and finding that I should have NEVER drank the milk this morning because NOTHING FIT right. I tried on four potential outfits and nothing fit the way I wanted it to. SICK OF IT. So, I shove in Bewitched (the show) in my laptop and got on the elliptical. Then I realized that I have two baskets of clothes that NEED to be washed, but I don't have a dryer where I am, which REALLY pisses me off. In addition to this, I also have NO FOOD in the fridge, and something has to be done about it ASAP. As I'm standing lamely on the elliptical, I question whether or not I want to take a shower before going to WALMART for groceries. I also think about how I need to shave my legs and bring my bad-ass shopping bags along with me. So, 30 mindless, fruitless... did I mention "WASTED" minutes later, I get in my soiled-seated jeep and head on down to Wallyworld. As I get out of the car, I looked down at my feet. As I look down at my feet, I looked up at my legs. As I looked at my legs, I noticed tarantula hair and the fact that I forgot my bad-ass shopping bags. ANGERED, I audibly whisper-yelled "FUCK," get back in the car, and SLAM the door. As I turn on the ignition, I realize that the show I just gave outside my car had been viewed (in its entirety) by the buggy boy just a few feet away, who, when I looked up, glanced away as if he had been tending to his buggy duties the whole time. Embarassed by my behavior and my hairy legs, I smiled to insure him I wasn't fully insane. Clearly READY to get out of the parking lot, I rolled down my window, smiling, and assuringly said to the buggy boy, "It's a bad day."

::Scrambled:: (and we aren't even talking about eggs.)

I'm redating this: Friday, September 10th, 2010, because that is when it happened....

So, I'm trying to move into the house that I've been trying to move into for over 4 years now. Today, I decided--"Hey, I'm going to go clean shit out, again... for the five-billionth time." Somehow, though, even though nobody lives in it, it gets dirty and stuff magically gets displaced. I'm going to blame this on my dad or his fairweather renovation worker friends, who charge him an arm, a leg, a new car, and a mortgage payment to fix ONE EFF-ing room, and then trash it. So, I get my handywoman gloves, my little OLD trailer trash "Angel" stretch jeans, a pair of Ariat mules that could easily be passed off as cool boots as long as you didn't lift the pant leg up (I only wore them because I lost my pseudo workboots which were nothing but a pair of timberlands from 8th grade that still look new because I was a poser like everyone else who wore a pair,)...oh--and don't forget the makeup I had on and the baseball hat. My goal was to look like a HARDCORE renovation expert, as if it were my daily job. --Who knew if I had to take a trip to Lowes or Home Depot and buy a new set of handy tools. I WAS GOING TO LOOK THE PART if not BETTER. So, a few fake trips to Home Depot and 6-7 bags of trash later, I was getting ready to leave when I was spotted a mysterious VHS tape just lying on the washing machine. As I reached to throw it away, I stopped myself. CLEARLY, there was something recorded on it and it could be something good,--like an old video of a reunion, or a video of a church sermon that my grandmother went to, or a cousin getting hitched.... blah blah blah. You get the idea.... so, before just chucking it in the trash, I wanted to run it by my parents house (because they are the only people who still have a VCR player.) Anyway, I turn the surround sound up and pop this mysterious and musty VHS in the VCR. At first, everything is scrambled and the music is passionate 1990's elevator music. Immediately, I'm thinking, "Soap Opera." This is some lame-o show my grandmother tried to record. --I waited a little bit longer, because we ALL KNOW that you should never just ditch a VHS until you've looked through the whole thing, because some way or another, you could find an old show that was recorded over another and it is wise to CHECK first. Moments later, I could see a man talking on the phone, and a woman in a mock turtleneck with blonde hair and bangs through the scramble. First off, who the F*ck PRETENDS to wear a turtleneck (courtesy of Chelsea Handler)?!!! Clearly this was a soap opera. Just as I was about to turn off the VCR, I could see the scramble going up, and down, and zooming in. At that moment I saw what was a nipple, which revealed to me, that this wasn't just any soap opera. This was SOFTCORE porn, that one of my grandparents had cleverly recorded on an unmarked VHS. HOLY DILDOS, BATMAN. There was moaning and breathing through the surround sound and my parents were in the next room. I was stricken with a split second of awkwardness and shut it off ASAP. Someone... in fact, ONE of my grandparents had set aside for themselves a little HBO LATENIGHT in the 90's and I was the victim of finding out years later after they were gone.

I'm pretty sure it was my grandmother, needless to say, since she was the only one who knew (and incessantly took every opportunity to record Days of Our Lives and stupid shows, like the church channel) how to use the VCR. I'm pretty sure that it wasn't me from a time when I was a kid and used to stay over there in the afternoons. I have a horrible memory and even though I'm sure it wasn't me, I can picture myself finally finding out how to work video on demand, discovering all those "after dark" shows and recording one. Shut up, you know you would too. I'm pretty sure it wasn't me, I hope. There are a whole set of VHS tapes over there... hmm. SOMEONE is responsible.

Friday, September 10, 2010

::So, Soon I Will Be Changing Shit::

You know, things are going to start getting rougher for me as this nursing school thing starts cracking down in a few weeks. I'm nervous as hell and as confused as a wild hyena in the middle of New York Zoo. My life is weird right now and I feel like im in limbo. I've felt that way for some time now. When I get a chance, I will fill everyone in, but right now, I'm starving and I'm going to make something to eat before my stomach starts gnawing on my spine. I wish I had something funny to write; all I have is something funny I recommend to read: "Are You There Vodka? It's Me Chelsea" by the one and only comedy goddess herself, Chelsea Handler... my other sister from another mister. Anyway, I have to eat now.

PS: I will be changing the format of my blog soon, when I get a chance and the creative juices start flowing. I always have something to write, but I'm never near a computer to blog about it!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010


As if this could get any better?! I can now post blogs from my blackberry, which means that I can rant from anywhere at anytime, only NOW-- my wpm has been greatly reduced to like 30 (guesstimate,) so you'll hopefully be getting the point waaayyyyy at the beginning rather than at the end, for your sake. Well, maybe you're not THAT lucky. So, how has everybody been? I know some of you have had babies and some of you have lost your weight in babies, and some of you live way too far the "yOU-KNOw-WHat" away from home, but that's probably a good thing to you, except the fact that you missed a splendidly good fireworks show, from the 4th of July. My fingers are numb. I'm posting this monkey.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Monday, January 18, 2010


So, here's a list of videos that I can't stop laughing over when I'm watching them. I can watch them over and over and over.....

First there's the goat yelling "Bob:"

Then there's the cat riding the automated roomba vac:


(I love how they warn 'Miles' of the mild drop he has right before his real drop, and their reaction to Miles when he falls... AND when Miles casually says, "Don't worry" and he tries to get up afterward.)


AHAHAHA, dog runs into wall while dreaming!:

This is so cute; look at his back legs when he slides:

And my favorite classic that I love to watch (so much IKEA stuff in the background):