I'm redating this: Friday, September 10th, 2010, because that is when it happened....
So, I'm trying to move into the house that I've been trying to move into for over 4 years now. Today, I decided--"Hey, I'm going to go clean shit out, again... for the five-billionth time." Somehow, though, even though nobody lives in it, it gets dirty and stuff magically gets displaced. I'm going to blame this on my dad or his fairweather renovation worker friends, who charge him an arm, a leg, a new car, and a mortgage payment to fix ONE EFF-ing room, and then trash it. So, I get my handywoman gloves, my little OLD trailer trash "Angel" stretch jeans, a pair of Ariat mules that could easily be passed off as cool boots as long as you didn't lift the pant leg up (I only wore them because I lost my pseudo workboots which were nothing but a pair of timberlands from 8th grade that still look new because I was a poser like everyone else who wore a pair,)...oh--and don't forget the makeup I had on and the baseball hat. My goal was to look like a HARDCORE renovation expert, as if it were my daily job. --Who knew if I had to take a trip to Lowes or Home Depot and buy a new set of handy tools. I WAS GOING TO LOOK THE PART if not BETTER. So, a few fake trips to Home Depot and 6-7 bags of trash later, I was getting ready to leave when I was spotted a mysterious VHS tape just lying on the washing machine. As I reached to throw it away, I stopped myself. CLEARLY, there was something recorded on it and it could be something good,--like an old video of a reunion, or a video of a church sermon that my grandmother went to, or a cousin getting hitched.... blah blah blah. You get the idea.... so, before just chucking it in the trash, I wanted to run it by my parents house (because they are the only people who still have a VCR player.) Anyway, I turn the surround sound up and pop this mysterious and musty VHS in the VCR. At first, everything is scrambled and the music is passionate 1990's elevator music. Immediately, I'm thinking, "Soap Opera." This is some lame-o show my grandmother tried to record. --I waited a little bit longer, because we ALL KNOW that you should never just ditch a VHS until you've looked through the whole thing, because some way or another, you could find an old show that was recorded over another and it is wise to CHECK first. Moments later, I could see a man talking on the phone, and a woman in a mock turtleneck with blonde hair and bangs through the scramble. First off, who the F*ck PRETENDS to wear a turtleneck (courtesy of Chelsea Handler)?!!! Clearly this was a soap opera. Just as I was about to turn off the VCR, I could see the scramble going up, and down, and zooming in. At that moment I saw what was a nipple, which revealed to me, that this wasn't just any soap opera. This was SOFTCORE porn, that one of my grandparents had cleverly recorded on an unmarked VHS. HOLY DILDOS, BATMAN. There was moaning and breathing through the surround sound and my parents were in the next room. I was stricken with a split second of awkwardness and shut it off ASAP. Someone... in fact, ONE of my grandparents had set aside for themselves a little HBO LATENIGHT in the 90's and I was the victim of finding out years later after they were gone.
I'm pretty sure it was my grandmother, needless to say, since she was the only one who knew (and incessantly took every opportunity to record Days of Our Lives and stupid shows, like the church channel) how to use the VCR. I'm pretty sure that it wasn't me from a time when I was a kid and used to stay over there in the afternoons. I have a horrible memory and even though I'm sure it wasn't me, I can picture myself finally finding out how to work video on demand, discovering all those "after dark" shows and recording one. Shut up, you know you would too. I'm pretty sure it wasn't me, I hope. There are a whole set of VHS tapes over there... hmm. SOMEONE is responsible.
So, I'm trying to move into the house that I've been trying to move into for over 4 years now. Today, I decided--"Hey, I'm going to go clean shit out, again... for the five-billionth time." Somehow, though, even though nobody lives in it, it gets dirty and stuff magically gets displaced. I'm going to blame this on my dad or his fairweather renovation worker friends, who charge him an arm, a leg, a new car, and a mortgage payment to fix ONE EFF-ing room, and then trash it. So, I get my handywoman gloves, my little OLD trailer trash "Angel" stretch jeans, a pair of Ariat mules that could easily be passed off as cool boots as long as you didn't lift the pant leg up (I only wore them because I lost my pseudo workboots which were nothing but a pair of timberlands from 8th grade that still look new because I was a poser like everyone else who wore a pair,)...oh--and don't forget the makeup I had on and the baseball hat. My goal was to look like a HARDCORE renovation expert, as if it were my daily job. --Who knew if I had to take a trip to Lowes or Home Depot and buy a new set of handy tools. I WAS GOING TO LOOK THE PART if not BETTER. So, a few fake trips to Home Depot and 6-7 bags of trash later, I was getting ready to leave when I was spotted a mysterious VHS tape just lying on the washing machine. As I reached to throw it away, I stopped myself. CLEARLY, there was something recorded on it and it could be something good,--like an old video of a reunion, or a video of a church sermon that my grandmother went to, or a cousin getting hitched.... blah blah blah. You get the idea.... so, before just chucking it in the trash, I wanted to run it by my parents house (because they are the only people who still have a VCR player.) Anyway, I turn the surround sound up and pop this mysterious and musty VHS in the VCR. At first, everything is scrambled and the music is passionate 1990's elevator music. Immediately, I'm thinking, "Soap Opera." This is some lame-o show my grandmother tried to record. --I waited a little bit longer, because we ALL KNOW that you should never just ditch a VHS until you've looked through the whole thing, because some way or another, you could find an old show that was recorded over another and it is wise to CHECK first. Moments later, I could see a man talking on the phone, and a woman in a mock turtleneck with blonde hair and bangs through the scramble. First off, who the F*ck PRETENDS to wear a turtleneck (courtesy of Chelsea Handler)?!!! Clearly this was a soap opera. Just as I was about to turn off the VCR, I could see the scramble going up, and down, and zooming in. At that moment I saw what was a nipple, which revealed to me, that this wasn't just any soap opera. This was SOFTCORE porn, that one of my grandparents had cleverly recorded on an unmarked VHS. HOLY DILDOS, BATMAN. There was moaning and breathing through the surround sound and my parents were in the next room. I was stricken with a split second of awkwardness and shut it off ASAP. Someone... in fact, ONE of my grandparents had set aside for themselves a little HBO LATENIGHT in the 90's and I was the victim of finding out years later after they were gone.
I'm pretty sure it was my grandmother, needless to say, since she was the only one who knew (and incessantly took every opportunity to record Days of Our Lives and stupid shows, like the church channel) how to use the VCR. I'm pretty sure that it wasn't me from a time when I was a kid and used to stay over there in the afternoons. I have a horrible memory and even though I'm sure it wasn't me, I can picture myself finally finding out how to work video on demand, discovering all those "after dark" shows and recording one. Shut up, you know you would too. I'm pretty sure it wasn't me, I hope. There are a whole set of VHS tapes over there... hmm. SOMEONE is responsible.
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